


start a reaction that can't be contained

by calvinahobbes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2017, Boiling the Frog, Closeted Character, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22634464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes
Summary: He wonders what it would be like to be able to be so casually affectionate. To call Phil 'honey' in public and not care what anyone thinks about it.(Dan and Phil and AsapSCIENCE, YouTube Creator Summit, Spain 2017.)
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 21
Kudos: 134
Collections: Temple of Gifts





	start a reaction that can't be contained

**Author's Note:**

  * For [templeofshame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/templeofshame/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Zan! I hope you have a lovely day! 
> 
> Thank you once again to autumnhearth for being a font of information, and to ahappyphil for cheering and soundboarding and betaing <3 This fic wouldn't be anything without the two of you. Also very special thank you to chiridotalaevis, you are too kind and I appreciate you!!

The Creator Summit seemed like a good idea on paper. The programming looked relevant and interesting, and it turned out to be a chance to see Anthony again. It would also offer a chance to meet a few local viewers, to garner some social media attention, and keep people engaged before they announce the new tour. But as he feels someone spotting them for the hundredth time since they got here yesterday, Dan feels a bit tired.

They're on their way to a complimentary matcha tea session in the café with Anthony. Dan hunches his shoulders and hopes they get to pass quietly through the room. 

“There’s a table over in the corner for you,” Marianne says as she greets them by the entrance, pointing.

The cafe has quite a pleasant atmosphere, the acoustics are not too terrible despite the large number of people, Dan notes as they walk through. It's filled with green potted plants, standing and hanging, light wood and retro light fittings. 

The tables are very close together, though. Dan doesn’t immediately recognize the people at the neighboring table, until the strawberry blond guy speaks.

“Oh my god, hi, hello! Yes, join us!” he lisps enthusiastically, gesturing towards the free table.

Dan smiles politely. So much for inconspicuousness for a moment, he thinks wryly.

“Don’t worry, it's just the caffeine. He’ll calm down soon,” the dark haired guy next to him says, and the other people around the table laugh. The lilt to his voice is less pronounced, but it still has a soft, slightly effeminate quality to it.

"And the matcha is supposed to be soothing! Hello!" blonde guy shouts.

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Dan demurs. 

His brain is working overtime trying to place them.

“I loved that song of yours,” Phil says enthusiastically, oblivious to the awkwardness of the situation and the fact that Dan still hasn't has a clue about who these people are. "'You're like that angle - acute - and you're smart.' It's funny." 

It finally clicks into place for Dan: they're AsapSCIENCE.

“Oh, that’s so sweet! Thank you,” the dark one says. 

Dan is still scrambling to put names to their faces. Craig? 

“We had this week where we would quote it all the time,” Phil says pleasantly as he scoots himself onto the caramel-colored leather-upholstered bench.

Dan doesn’t miss the tiny flicker of uncertainty in both sets of eyes, as they try to figure out what exactly Phil means by “we”. It’s not a rare look for them to see on people’s faces.

“I’m Mitch,” the dark haired guy says and offers his hand. “And this is Greg.”

“In case you weren’t sure,” Greg huffs in a tone of faux starlet attitude. “People can never tell us apart.” He flips an imaginary head of long hair and laughs. 

Dan can feel himself starting to warm up to this guy. He smiles. “Imagine how we feel,” he says and gestures a thumb towards Phil. "That's why I changed my hair."

"Only now you and I look the same," Anthony jokes.

Everyone laughs and they shake hands all around, Mitch and Greg introducing their crew members at the table, and Dan introducing Marianne as they all take their seats.

"I could definitely use a boost by now," Anthony says and picks up the menu. He looks up at the approaching waitress. "Can you tell us a bit about your matcha?"

"It is a one hundred percent pure Japanese matcha," the waitress explains gamely. "We serve it for you to make right here at the table. It's a very pleasant, soothing experience." She looks around the table, smiling at all of them.

"So cool!" Anthony says appreciatively. 

"Just water for me," Marianne says.

"Aw, you don't wanna try it? Dan? Get your antioxidants on?"

He and Anthony have a tendency to geek out over food together, and it has been a while since Dan has had matcha tea. He shrugs. "Yeah, why not."

"I'll try it," Phil says.

"Wait, Phil are you sure?" Dan asks under his breath, tipping his head down and towards him. "It's not the sweetened kind."

"Yeah, it's fine," Phil shrugs and smiles at the waitress.

"It's green tea," Dan tries again.

"I know what it is," Phil says, offended now because he feels Dan is making him look stupid in front of everyone. 

Dan lets it go, not so much because he knows Phil is a stubborn bastard and he can tell he has already made up his mind about the beverage, but because the dual looks from Mitch and Greg across the neighbouring table is making him feel oddly exposed. 

"You won't regret it," Greg says in a confiding tone of voice, leaning across the table. "It was so delicious." He leans back. "But not as delicious as our dinner last night, honey, obviously." He puts his arm around Mitch's shoulders and gives him a squeeze. 

In the grand scheme of things, it's not exactly explicit PDA but it still makes second-hand embarrassment rush through Dan. It's only a flash before it morphs just as quickly into disappointment, sadness, and then first-hand embarrassment - a technicolor wheel of ugly emotions whirring through him. 

He shifts and shoots Phil a furtive look. Phil doesn't exactly return it, but Dan knows somehow that Phil is aware of him, is splitting his attention between smiling and nodding with interest and Dan silently freaking out next to him. 

"Mitch took me out for my birthday," Greg explains. 

Dan's stomach twists but he can't honestly dislike this sweet guy.

"Oh, it was your birthday!?" Phil enthuses. "Happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday," Dan mumbles numbly. 

He wonders what it would be like to be able to be so casually affectionate. To call Phil honey in public, to not care what anyone thinks about it. There's a practiced ease to the way Greg slips his arm off Mitch again, as if whether they are touching or not touching is hardly important. For them it probably isn't. Dan feels the carefully measured distance between him and Phil burn and roar like a furnace. He feels both invisible and incredibly conspicuous at once. He knows he's spiralling, but he also hardly knows how to stop himself.

"Did you get any nice presents?" Phil asks, and even through his fog of existential crisis Dan has the immediate urge to roll his eyes.

"Only the fancy dinner for now. We're saving the celebrations until we're back home," Mitch answers on Greg's behalf. 

Greg puts a hand on his arm. "I did say I wanted a dog, but I don't think it's happening." He gives Mitch a curious, evaluative gaze. 

Mitch returns his gaze, a loving smile on his face. "I'm not getting you a surprise puppy! We talked about this! We're gonna wait and do it right."

"Aww, _I_ want a puppy!" Phil pouts, and Dan's heart lurches, because dammit he's cute, and dammit they also talked about this.

"You should get one!" Greg enthuses. "Oh my god, we fostered a Greek rescue this summer, and like - that was hard and stuff? But ohmygod he was so cute!" He pauses and looks to Mitch as if for confirmation. "I never really understood those people who go absolutely ballistic over their pets, but then we had Feta and I _understood_."

"I believe you," Phil says. He has that hungry, envious look on his face he always gets when they start talking about pets. "But the timing is really bad for us right now." He shoots a look at Dan. They're weeks from announcing the new tour, and Dan knows from personal experience how difficult it is to keep himself from talking about it by now. "We actually just moved, and the new place doesn't allow pets either."

There's that look again. Mitch and Greg's eyes flicker quickly over their faces, over the distance between them. Dan is both grateful to Phil and incredibly annoyed. He doesn't know yet whether he wants these people to suspect that he and Phil are together or not.

"I mean," Dan says, "clearly you won't be in the new apartment forever, but even once you get your own place you'll still need to actually be home if you're to have a pet." It's an implicit reminder of tour and all their deliberations about the new apartment, which is just temporary, just a nice non-death trap base to look for a permanent home from.

"I know," Phil says and slumps dramatically.

"Hmm, yeah, I mean you definitely need some kind of network, don't you?" Mitch muses wryly. "And I guess Dan can't babysit it because you're always traveling together."

It sounds completely inconspicuous, both his tone and his choice of words. Dan can't possibly explain why he knows. He just does. He knows that Mitch knows, and he doesn't know how to feel about that.

The waitress brings their matcha, and Dan lets it distract him.

*

The AsapSCIENCE team leaves before Dan and Anthony finish their tea, Phil's sitting largely untouched on the table in front of him. 

There's still time after their break before the next scheduled event starts. Dan hardly even has to ask, "Wanna pop up to the rooms and look at the schedule?" before Phil is on his feet. 

They walk silently through the convention area, riding the elevator the same way even though they're alone in it. Dan walks down the hallway, Phil behind him. He opens the door to his room and steps inside. 

Phil shuts the door behind him, and Dan sinks down to sit on the bed.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to do that," he says.

"Who says that's what I want?" Phil asks gently, and Dan loves him so much for being right there on the same page with him. 

"Doesn't everybody? To be able to just... touch like that. Without it being a big deal."

"Is that what you want?" Phil sits down next to him, slipping a hand over his knee. 

Dan shrugs. "I mean, yeah." He pauses, tracing his fingers down over Phil's, interlacing them. "We used to have that. Some version of that. A billion years ago."

Phil gives him that soft look. It's the look he gets on his face when he thinks that Dan is being silly and overthinking things, but at the point when he's still finding it kind of cute and isn't annoyed by it yet.

"We have other things now."

Dan pulls in a deep wet breath, and the rush of feeling almost surprises him. "But I _hate_ that it still feels like a bargain. That we traded something, some part of our authenticity, to get here."

"I know it's different for you," Phil says and Dan waits for him to explain what he means. "I don't need everyone to know. To me, the important people already now. And that's enough."

It's like a knife in his gut, and Dan doesn't think he manages to hide it. "Your people. My people still don't have a fucking clue."

Phil makes a face. "I'm sorry." He squeezes Dan's fingers. "That was shitty."

"I wanna tell them," Dan says for the hundredth time. The thousandth time. The hundred thousandth time.

"And you will," Phil says. "When it's right for you. When it feels safe."

Dan pushes his face into the crook of Phil's neck, and Phil's other hand comes up to cradle the back of his neck. "I don't know if it'll ever feel safe. I'm _so_ scared and I don't even know why anymore," he croaks through a painfully tight throat. He feels hot tears pressing up, but they don't spill. They're not coming out any more than he is, just forever stuck right there on the cusp, in perpetual frustration. 

Phil hums, and it soothes something inside Dan. He clenches his eyes shut tight and breathes deep, feeling their bodies fall into sync, naturally, perfectly.

They've talked about this so many times, and Dan knows that sometimes he drives Phil insane because he keeps going round and round in circles over it. 

It felt like a break through when he first made the decision to come out to his family. But he's put words to that intent so many times now, in private with Phil, without any actions to go with it. He's still just waiting for that perfect moment where opportunity and bravery come together. He wants so badly to be on the other side of it, to have done it already, but every time he talks to the people at home he lets the chance slip by. He alternates wildly between feeling sorry for himself and being angry at his own indecisiveness. He has never procrastinated anything harder than this in his entire life. Even knowing it's self-sabotage due to a fear of imperfection and vulnerability, he can't seem to push past this.

And the real kicker of it is that until he's out to his family, there's no way he can be out to anyone else - not kindly strangers like Mitch and Greg, not their viewers, not even just random people in the street. Sometimes he thinks it's that last category that freaks him out the most. 

"I wish you wouldn't pressure yourself so much," Phil says quietly as if he can hear Dan's whirring thoughts.

"I know. Me too," Dan says, sadly and limply.

Phil shifts then to envelop him in a proper hug. Sat side by side, it's an awkward twist of torsos, but it's still good and warm and comforting. Dan breathes into it, noting that the overwhelming urge to cry has passed. He sighs.

"I don't want to think about it anymore. I wanna just enjoy ourselves for the rest of our stay."

"We can do that," Phil says. "Although I'm not sure how enjoyable the rollerskating will really be."

Dan frees himself so he can lean in and give Phil a kiss. Phil answers it, meets him there, slows it down, prolongs it. It's everything Dan needs to finally feel like he can face the outside world again, even as the messed-up closet case he is.

"They're really nice," Phil says, and it ought to be a non sequitur but of course Dan knows who he means. He means that Greg and Mitch are not at fault for Dan's mood. He means that they never intended to hurt Dan. He means that they're good people, and interesting to talk to.

"Yeah, I really like them," Dan agrees.

*

It's one thing to say you'll enjoy yourself and quite something else to actually just do it, Dan thinks wryly as he contemplates the concept the arrangers have come up with. There's a row of make-up tables with people standing ready to apparently apply glitter to his face. It's not exactly a masculine look. In fact, it's a bit much. 

Phil shoots him a look. "What do you say?"

Dan shrugs. Then he thinks. He's tried so hard and for so long to be inconspicuous, or at least ambiguous. Maybe he's tired of it. Maybe tonight he wants to push a little at those boundaries he's set up for himself. "You know what? I want some glitter on my face!"

Phil laughs. "Really?"

"Yeah, man. Absolutely."

Phil flaps his arms. "Well, lead the way then!"

"What?" Dan stops to really look at him. "You too?"

"Yeah! Of course," Phil says easily, and Dan could kiss him right here. Isn't it always like this? Wherever Dan wants to go, Phil follows, effortlessly, always letting Dan set the pace, even if Dan himself thinks they're moving at a crawl.

He goes resolutely over to one of the make-up chairs and smiles at the technician. 

It doesn't take long for her to apply the bit of silvery glitter to his face and glue the sequins onto his skin. 

"It looks genuinely cool!" Dan laughs. "Right? Kind of spacey." Phil laughs and nods, and he finds that he likes this.

Anthony wanders in then, face lighting up when he sees them. "Oh hey, guys, cool! Can I get that too?" he asks the technician and points at Dan's face.

Dan relinquishes his seat to him, not for the first time wondering what it must be like to be Anthony, who never seems to angst over his gender presentation the way Dan does. He's sure it's not entirely true, that there are things Anthony doesn't say or do or wear, but most of the time he seems so easy-going and carefree.

They hang around and keep him company while the make-up artists "Put my face on," as Anthony puts it.

If Dan and Phil were different people they might be more enthusiastic about the actual rollerskating part of the evening.

"Come on, guys, what's with the faces?" Anthony asks.

Phil stares into the rink dubiously. "It's like someone took a regular disco with flashing lights and loud music and thought 'What would make this even more dangerous for Phil? I know! Let's make him wear skates!'"

Anthony laughs. "Aww, Phil! It'll be fun!"

"You'll catch me?" Phil asks Dan. 

Dan snorts. "Mate, let's see whether I can catch myself first."

"Are you not used to skating?" Greg asks. He and Mitch have appeared behind them while they were talking.

"Don't brag, just because we're Canadians!" Mitch admonishes him.

"Oh my god, I _love_ your make-up, guys!" Greg exclaims as soon as he sees their faces. 

Dan can't help but laugh at the abrupt change of topic. 

"Thanks!" Phil beams.

"We don't really _do_ exercise," Dan admits, to answer the other conversational gambit. Maybe they should do something about that before tour starts and they have to stand on a stage for several hours every night, he thinks. He realises too late that he said we. Maybe he doesn't really care anymore.

Neither Greg nor Mitch seem to react at all. It just confirms it to Dan: they've already settled it in their minds that he and Phil are together. He thinks for now he's surprisingly okay with that fact. Don't ask, don't tell.

"Mitch! See! I told you, we should have stayed in the line!" Greg hits limply at Mitch's chest with the back of his hand and pouts.

"There were like a billion people queuing, though," Mitch says wryly. "Also maybe I felt a bit awkward about it?" He looks right at Dan then, his dark eyes serious.

"Mitch is always like, 'Is this too loud, are we being too gay?'" Greg says and rubs a hand on Mitch's shoulder.

Mitch turns and looks at him. "I just think there's a time and a place."

"And that's valid," Greg says. "Also what's the point if you can't do full drag, am I right, ladies?"

Anthony guffaws, and Dan can't help but smile himself. Greg is such a hurricane of outrageous exclamations, but Dan kind of loves it. There's also something comforting in knowing that even these two people, who seemed at first glance to be so comfortable in their own skins, are also always battling their own insecurities, as well as struggling to keep pace with each other. 

"You guys sound like an old married couple," Anthony grins.

"Well," Greg smirks. "Seven years and counting. That's like, silver anniversary in gay."

"Not really, though," Mitch says, but he's smiling softly and just looking at Greg.

The number is so close to their own he can't possibly stop himself from glancing at Phil, who's trying his best to cover up the soft look on his face. It does make Dan nostalgic, and sad in some way to think of how different their realities are right now, how different their trajectories have been. But he can't hold his own circumstances and the choices he made against other people. Dan smiles.

"Whoo, I think I got something in my eye there!" Greg exclaims.

It almost makes Dan jump. He turns to look at the others again, and there's that look of solidarity in their eyes. Even Anthony is smiling fondly at them. 

"Let's get some skates on and get this party rolling!" Greg goes on.

Dan laughs, probably more for the need to release all the pent-up thoughts and feelings whirring around inside him than because of the pun. 

They pick out skates and manage to take a few precarious laps around the rink. Phil's dubious sense of balance is setting Dan's teeth on edge, but he thinks they have fun, filming insta stories and taking pictures together and laughing.

"My feet are frogs," Phil sighs as he staggers up next to Dan, who has opted to perch on the half wall for a bit, dangling his feet, heavy in their borrowed in-liners. 

Dan looks up from his phone and plays the words back. When they still don't make human sense he says, "What?"

"They're boiling alive."

Dan stares at him fondly. "Let's get you out of them, shall we?"

"Yes, please," Phil pouts and staggers with him back towards the sofas where they can sit down. 

Greg, Mitch and Anthony are already there, padding around in stocking feet.

Dan yanks his own skates off. He definitely gets what Phil means. His feet are sweaty and hot and tingling uncomfortably. 

Phil groans beside him. "I think my feet grew several sizes."

"Just loosen the buckles," Dan says.

"I did!" Phil whines. "They're not coming off!" He pulls again.

"Wiggle your foot."

"I can't!"

"What do you mean you can't?" Dan scoffs.

"There's no room!"

"Phil!" Dan rolls his eyes.

"What's going on?" Mitch asks.

"Phil is having trouble with the basic task of taking his shoes off," Dan says.

"They're not shoes, they're horrible hot plastic death traps with wheels on them!"

Phil kicks his foot ineffectually.

"Jesus, man, do it properly!" 

Anthony laughs and takes out his phone. "Now who's being an old married couple?"

Dan points a mock-threatening finger at him through the lens even as the others laugh. "Shut…"

Phil pouts and grasps the left skate again, pulling hard.

"Tip it, tip it!" Dan quotes.

Phil giggles but the skate still doesn't come off.

"Don't make me laugh!" Phil whines.

"But what if it worked?" Dan says without remorse. 

Phil pulls and wiggles and struggles and groans, but there's nothing for it. Eventually he falls back on the sofa with another groan.

"It's glued on." He sighs, then leans up on his elbows and looks at Dan. "Could you try?" 

He asks it carefully, and Dan is instantly aware of their surroundings, but he pushes his own stupid insecurities down and grasps Phil's foot. The world doesn’t end. In fact, no one even makes a comment.

The skate doesn't come off. 

"What the actual fuck, is it _actually_ glued on? Phil!?"

"I don't know! I don't know!"

They struggle and pull and Anthony makes more stupid comments while Greg and Mitch laugh at them, and it's both funny and infuriating, so that by the time Phil's skates are finally off Dan has actually built up a sweat that he'd entirely avoided while actually skating.

*

They say goodnight soon after and go up their adjoining rooms. 

Dan stands in the harsh glow of the bathroom and snaps a couple more photos of his make-up. He thinks about Mitch's comment, and wonders at how this silly bit of sparkle feels both daring and nice. In a way it's like getting away with something, and in another it's like he's being loud and unapologetic about it.

Anthony DMs him a series of photos and videos from the day. Dan takes his phone into the room, sitting down next to Phil so he can see too. They go through it all, Anthony’s stuff and their own, talking and laughing quietly, like they always do after a long day like this. 

Dan feels himself coming down slowly. One of the sequins on Phil's make-up has come loose, slipped down to stick to his cheek. Dan picks it off his slightly tacky skin and holds it up for him to see.

"I had fun," Dan murmurs.

Phil smiles softly at him. "Like you said you would."

They kiss, and Dan lets himself melt into it, doesn't try to make it any one thing, stops thinking for a little while. 

When he leans back there's some half-formed idea in the back of his mind. He takes hold of his phone again and types in a reply to Anthony. He holds the phone out for Phil to read:

Dan: _go ahead and post the skates bit to insta stories_

Phil gives him a long look before he nods silently.

Anthony's reply is almost instantaneous and one of the reasons Dan genuinely likes him.

Anthony: _What? These ones? Sure?_

He re-sends the videos, and Dan checks them, because he may be feeling a bit reckless but he's not stupid.

Dan: _yeah_

"What are you doing?" Phil murmurs quietly.

Dan lets the phone slip out of his hand, leans over and pushes Phil down on the bed.

"Boiling the frog," he says.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! [Like/reblog on tumblr.](https://calvinahobbes.tumblr.com/post/190753146670)
> 
> Title is from Science Love Song by AsapSCIENCE. Check out the [resource post](https://calvinahobbes.tumblr.com/post/190753135975) I made on tumblr that collects the various Instagram stories and YouTube videos I used to build this story.


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